Nine (more) working titles for ill-advised books I’ve thought of writing recently

Almost a year ago, I jotted down few working titles for some books I’d thought of writing at some time in the future.  Despite the fact that as of May, 2015 I had written a total of zero books, and also despite the fact that my output of books has increased not at all in the past twelve months, I will nevertheless dare to propose a few more possible titles for the consideration of the universe.


But first, I wish to note that I have in fact written one or two fragments that could actually fit into at least a few of my proposed titles of a year ago.  For example, I did a rather minor amount of autobiographical writing, most of it while at least mildly intoxicated, which could later be folded into The Gayest Stork, my proposed honest-to-the-point-of-brutality portrait of myself as a seventeen year old.  Likewise a certain amount of what one might charitably call my journaling could be imagined between the covers of Pickled, a chemical history of my extended family.  Little writing, but much practical research has been conducted for the Sub-Herbia project, my proposed collection of interviews with nontraditional marijuana users and on WordPress: a History.  I regret to being able to announce almost no progress on Consolidated Diversified (my imagined manual for organizational development), Borked (my graphic novel about web security) nor any of my other titles, whose names escape me, along with the tab on my web browser containing them, which must be around here somewhere.

But I digress … on to this year’s titles, all of which I have — with varying degrees of seriousness — contemplated writing in the past twelve months:

Saying no to God, Saying yes to Dog
How to lose your religion while gaining a pet.

Mennonite Rampage
A killer is loose among the Amish

A Bomb in the Pram
Religious radicalization leads to sectarian violence among a group of bored upper-middle-class supermoms in suburban London.

Founding Sisters
In which — armed with no good evidence — I document the secret gay lives of several American Founding Fathers, interspersed with my own present-day quest to obtain membership in the Sons of the American Revolution.

Freedom in the Hundred Decibel Bedroom
A practical guide for those who sleep with heavy snorers.  Contains many tips, sleeping positions, psychological pressure techniques.

Classic Diseases
A book about all of those diseases you used to hear about all the time but JUST DON’T HEAR ABOUT ANY MORE

More than Hoodies: a guide to nerd chic
Geek approaches to clothes: algorithmic wardrobes, randomness and function as form.

If it’s not Too Much Trouble
A manual of Lutheran “etiquette”

My Six Deaths
A natural history of the six times I would have likely died had I been born in the world before modern medicine.  To wit:  an infected wound, complications from Crohn’s Disease, childhood epilepsy (would have lead accusations of demon possession and ritual death), pneumonia, a severe throat and sinus infection and a bicycle accident and subsequent skin infection.

Nine (more) working titles for ill-advised books I’ve thought of writing recently

Church: some feedback


Dear Church,

Having by now experienced well over a thousand of your services, meetings and gatherings and having over the several decades of my life participated in no small number of your rites, initiations, sacraments and ceremonies, I’ve got some feedback for you:

Let us begin with the bad:

  • Does anyone like pews?  Hemorrhoids.   Lack of circulation to the legs.  Not great.
  • The pipe organ is a questionable instrument — more interesting architecturally than musically .  Granted, your average pipe organ must be quite difficult to replace or decommission, but all good things must come to and end.  It’s time.
  • Most of your buildings seem to be too large for the crowds they attract.  Perhaps they were built for a time when more people were interested in you.  I would consider downsizing — perhaps all the excess real estate could be used to house the poor?
  • It often seems that you would rather your members adopt the worldview of a person from the 15th century — what with all your contextless talk of the supernatural.  I’m afraid that this has become a problem for me because I happen to be sane.  (This probably bears some relation to the previous point.)
  • I am alarmed that you’ve been complicit in such a panoply of acts of racism, sexism, homophobia, cultural genocide and exclusivism.  Might I suggest that you consider renouncing violence in all of its forms and become less of a dick?
  • Honesty seems to be hard for you.  Take the Bible for instance — a  book I believe is somewhat important to you as an institution.  Can we all admit that there’s a ton of crazy and evil stuff in there that should be disregarded and denounced?
  • Please define the following words since you use them so often.  Alternately, please admit that like me, you don’t know what the fuck the following words mean:  God, soul, miracle, heaven, hell, prayer, angel and spirit.  I could go on.

And now, the good:

  • I would like to congratulate you on your influential role in western civilization, music, art, philosophy etc…  Sure there were blips: purges, witch hunts and the like.  But overall, I’d have to credit you with doing more good than harm.
  • You’re faithful, I’ll give you that:  you flung your big wooden doors open when I was born, gave me friends, helped me fall in love, caught me when I fell out of it.  You’ve never left me — and I’m sure you’ll help me die.  This sounds flippant but I mean it.
  • Jesus: worthy of followers.  Every religion needs a main character and one could do a lot worse.  From you I learned about a man obsessed with healing, poor people, justice and the end of the world.  Three out of four ain’t bad right?
  • Bread.  Wine.  Water.  You’re at your best when you keep it simple and keep the food coming.
  • You seem to traverse cultures pretty well which is more than be said of most institutions.
  • Potlucks.
Church: some feedback